I think I won the penis lottery.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
