I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
