now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
