Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
