If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Vodka?
Forever.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
