Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
