VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
