dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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