I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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