I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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