Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Randomize
