Texts From Last Night

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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.

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  (410): i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations. http://tfl.nu/0kby
  Replies (10) Good night (3230) Bad night (618)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.

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  (919): Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night. http://tfl.nu/apjs
  Replies (14) Good night (4533) Bad night (634)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!

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  (832): apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?! http://tfl.nu/kaoo
  Replies (21) Good night (5595) Bad night (1278)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...

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  (425): I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results... http://tfl.nu/tn0b
  Replies (14) Good night (1221) Bad night (7905)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

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  (780): He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done. http://tfl.nu/315y
  Replies (19) Good night (4327) Bad night (2662)
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."

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  (905): He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING." http://tfl.nu/odsi
  Replies (3) Good night (2291) Bad night (996)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.

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  (817): 2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester. http://tfl.nu/1qgy
  Replies (5) Good night (2742) Bad night (943)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously

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  (314): great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously http://tfl.nu/gl7l
  Replies (10) Good night (803) Bad night (2384)
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  (707): View more from California

  I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

  (1-707): View more from California

  is that even a sentence?

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  (707): I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina. (1-707): is that even a sentence? http://tfl.nu/j6fd
  Replies (13) Good night (3294) Bad night (1132)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.

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  (832): We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life. http://tfl.nu/iqsk
  Replies (5) Good night (948) Bad night (1690)
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  (707): View more from California

  do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me

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  (707): do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me http://tfl.nu/4f25
  Replies (15) Good night (1911) Bad night (652)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.

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  (309): But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something. http://tfl.nu/dcqe
  Replies (2) Good night (753) Bad night (333)
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?

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  (561): Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun? http://tfl.nu/syxe
  Replies (2) Good night (1004) Bad night (304)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  dont eat that thats our sex nutella.

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  (208): dont eat that thats our sex nutella. http://tfl.nu/y04n
  Replies (10) Good night (988) Bad night (399)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.

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  (+44): Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that. http://tfl.nu/vjrp
  Replies (0) Good night (373) Bad night (184)

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