I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize