So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
