i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
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Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
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You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go