she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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