You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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