Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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