I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You are the jesus of drinking
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
