it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
