i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
