If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
