he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
