your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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