I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
