first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
