Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
