I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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