i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
50% drunk capacity currently
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
