If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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