Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
