Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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