God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
