just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
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I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
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Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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