this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
