i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
