Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
