Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
