were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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