Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
