I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
