this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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