In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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