i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
