i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
