DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
