I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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