When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
