That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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