so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
