I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
