i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
