She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
