Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
