my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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