my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
