i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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