Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
