I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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