Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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