Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
