I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
