i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
