Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
