So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
