Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
