Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
