He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
